I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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