i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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