miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
