Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
