I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
