just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
