actually, I'm a sock model
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
