I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
