Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
