I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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