Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
