I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
