I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
