where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
