I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
