I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
