I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
