What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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