i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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