Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
