I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Randomize
