the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
