No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You left your underwear on the fireplace
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
