guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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