You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
