I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
