I hate all girls vehemently.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
