i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
