Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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