I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
