I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
you had me at cake vodka
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
