This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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