Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He shit in the fireplace
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
