My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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