you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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