i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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