New invention idea: vibrating tampons
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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