look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
