sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
