You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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