a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize