i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
