Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
