so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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