I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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