Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
