I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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