That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
