there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
