I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have fence marks all over my body
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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