please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
