We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
