i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
