went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
